Flabbergast

The Smiths has long given me a little rube, but you got me listening conspicuous in the loop.

Wonder why this heart feels stubborn, guess it’s deeply battered by the torn.

To be saddened, I scold myself for begging your sympathy; to still learning not to be his.

You welcomed me as Autumn without even asking my name.

You’re the Virgo that no psychic has ever mentioned.

[P(E) = 0]

Some nights before bed, I feel stricken by the dread. 
Not til you chose to evade, tears over "Silver Springs" were never set on the date.

Guess I’m terrified, but I put you on archive.

So I won’t hope for your text, so I don’t have to expect.

Some nights before bed, have you forgotten me instead?
You called me funny, think I have to agree.

Funny enough for giving you the second chance you never asked...

World Happiness Report 2023

 

Segara Niskala

Andala sang tuan..
Apa masih boleh melayar?
Haruskah saya usai mengayuh lakara?

Rêve Lucide

Dear,

I still find myself wailing in my kitchen on random Thursday nights sometimes.
You said it's all your fault, but my heart was all the cost.
If loving me is not in your scheme, will you please do in my lucid dream?

Eight-Line Stanzas

I wished I was sober, 

when your gunmetal blue eyes met mine.

I wished I was sober, 

when you anxiously rubbed my right upper arm.

I wished I was sober, 

the night your lips touched mine next to your quartz countertop.

As yet, 

I was sober when you gave me a peck kiss goodbye in the morning I walked down your round stairs...

Not-so-Little Miss Sunshine

"You are my sunshine, 

my only sunshine, 
you make me happy when skies are gray,
you never know dear how much I love you,
please don't take my sunshine away."

It was 2002, I was sitting next to my dad, having a slice of bread with meises, on his old 1992 Black Katana Jimny car on our way to school, listening to Johnny Cash along with dad's classic album of Elvis Presley that he kept in a box next to his gear lever. Dad, hummed to the song as he couldn't remember clearly the lyrics, except the last part. 

"Please don't take my sunshine away.." I sang, mimicking Cash's vibration, Dad chuckled. 

Sunshine. 

I always love the word sunshine. I almost forgot that I have associated a lot with the word "sun".

I grew up reading Little Miss Sunshine by Roger Hargreaves (though now I'm more of a bit like Little Miss Chatterbox!). I watch too much Little Miss Sunshine (until now), thinking I was Olive Hoover, having a grumpy brother, supportive mom, domineering dad, and weird grandpa. Summed up my whole life!

Cleo, my best friend, who always took random sunflower pictures for me on her first weeks moving to Hamburg from Jakarta. 

Oh, also, the yellow decoration in any corners of my bedroom. Van Gogh's sunflower replica painting I bought two years ago in Amsterdam. David's sunflower pot. A bouquet of sunflowers on my birthday.

What else?

Me.

It's 2023, I am my dad's sunshine.

Not until now I realized that what he meant by sunshine is, the adjective. Not noun.

I've been overblown by living under the gray sky, I forgot to let my sun shine.. 

Not until my friend, Tosé, texted me the other day in the morning. "Good morning, Sunshine."

A simple text, yet impactful.

He reminds me again to be the sunshine of my own.

Cordialement

This post has been kept on draft for days. I haven't got the foggiest idea of how to write without feeling a little shiver while also experiencing 15 minutes of writer's block to even complete this sentence. My mind is muddling. I shouldn't have bothered, honestly.  

"I don't know if I will still be here next year. I might stay in Brussels, move back to Copenhagen, or maybe move to London. I fucked this up and I'm so sorry... I hope you'll feel good again soon, and be able to forget me." he said while burying his face in his hands and sobbing. 

And minutes later, munching on his stupid Super Piratos I bought from 7/ELEVEn near Kongens Nytorv. At least something he enjoyed while weeping out of this chaos.

After two weeks he left me out of the closure, I should have comprehended. To him, I wasn't worth a single text. I finally realized that his silence was too loud that it vocalized elucidation. He knows exactly that I have closed my door, but it was never locked. Yet, he never tried to even reach the knob. 

"You deserve someone better." 

I do. And he doesn't have to tell me twice. I know I do. 

I thought I was lost in him, but I just didn't expect in this way. I was just mad at myself for playing blind. I was mad that he cared about my presence, but not me. I was mad that I fell for his potential, leaving my expectations unmet. Well, hindsight is always 20/20.

But he brought me on a new journey to love myself. Just like his ego always does to himself. 

I just hope he shortly finds a woman that I won't be. Hope she doesn't sleep in his white T-shirt and black long socks like I did. Hope she likes cilantro as much as he does. I just wish he'd be happy, and I won't hear a single thing about it.

Tête-à-tête with Susy

"Do you think I'm naïve, Susy?"

Susy is not my friend. In fact, she's the director of my department. If you see a tall energetic woman, a full of smile on her face, having a water bottle that makes a fizz every time she takes a sip, not to forget her high-quality tawny leather messenger bag from Italy (I assume), just like where she is from, that lays down next to her right desk leg, that's how you spot her at the office.

"Tami, I think you tend to set aside the negativity and choose to be positive instead. Being positive is an option, and you choose to be one. You know exactly how to handle your thoughts, and not let them penetrate you resentfully, and that's what makes you a good person. And stop calling yourself naïve!" she replied.

Every time during our one-on-one session, I would spend our last 5 minutes talking about life, well, my life, in general. A short yet meaningful deep conversation I had with Susy feels like Albom's visit to Morrie every Tuesday before he passed. 

Casting my mind back to one year ago on the day she hired me mid-way through my masters, she told me she has a trust in me. Little did she know, she saved my life. She saved my future..

Gin Tonic

"How was Werchter this year?" he asked while sipping on his strange look orange berry, perhaps, rowan berry gin tonic, with his half-smile. The wandering eyes of his, complemented his wet rain jacket. The reflection of the chandelier on his eyes warmed up the light drizzle as we were sitting on the corner of Drottningtorget. 

He looks bulkier than the last time I saw him. Golfer arms, I joked. Or maybe it was his weighted blanket that he lifts every morning.

"Are you going to play some music?" I asked.

Don't Let Me Down by The Beatles.

The song didn't just stop at his place, apparently. It followed me while I was walking back to my hotel room. 

Even now, at Malmö Stadsbibliotek.

Not sure if I'm gonna miss him, nor if I am allowed to still.

Back to being strangers, I guess?